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Dear Eric: Three years ago, my older sister sent me a book that stated that gay people are satanic, Marxist pedophiles. I am gay and wrote her back asking if she believed this. She replied that she did. I was shocked and angry and stopped communicating with her.

Her husband died eight months ago, and I received an effusive apology from her stating how sorry she was that she had hurt me. I responded that what was important to me was whether she still believed her earlier statements. She said she did not.

So, I attended my brother-in-law's memorial held two months later. I was not invited to stay with her or at her nearby adult children's homes and only heard of an evening dinner event at the last minute after I had made plane reservations that conflicted with my attending.

She recently asked me if she could stay with me during a plane lay-over in my city. I said yes. I really want to ask her how she got those ideas about me in the first place. Did reading one book prove more compelling than a lifetime of knowing me? And what made her change her mind?

I can't help wondering if it was just a ruse to get me to attend the memorial. I think she wants to patch things up. But a serious line was crossed. She and I may be back on speaking terms, but our relationship will never be the same as it was. I'm not sure what compels me to want to say these things to her and I'm not sure it is the right thing to do. What do you think?

– Brother in a Quandary

Dear Brother: Whether she realized or intended it or not, when she sent you that book, she was starting a conversation and that conversation needs some resolution. This isn’t about bringing up “old drama;” as you stated, there’s still active questions about what she thinks of you that will impact how you engage with each other going forward.

Prior to her visit, have a phone call with her. You can be completely upfront about the purpose of the call. “I love you and I value the relationship we had. But the events of the last three years have left me confused and altered our relationship. I believe that we can build a relationship going forward, but that requires clarity. Are you willing and able to talk with me more about it now?”

Things have changed. That doesn’t mean a future isn’t possible. But this isn’t something you have to simply sweep under the rug. You’re trying to define healthy boundaries in this relationship and determine how and with whom you’re safe.

Dear Eric: My sister, who lives about 500 miles away from me, has asked me to apologize for something she perceives I should apologize for. I replied to her to please let me know what she wants me to apologize for and she pivoted, without answering, saying she would not let evil into her house but then continues to send references to a young man in her neighborhood that may have committed suicide or devastating weather that has destroyed houses near her. It seems she wants to set borders for what she wants to talk about. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. This is hurtful and bothers me a lot. Any suggestions?

– Wanting to Know What the Apology is For

Dear Wanting: If there is anyone closer to your sister – a friend or relative – who has a better relationship with her and can check in on her, in person or on the phone, please get in contact with them. Her comments read as strange to me, perhaps troubling. Because they don’t quite make sense, they could suggest she’s experiencing a mental health crisis. You can also find information and resources on the National Alliance on Mental Illness website (nami.org).

I want to underscore that it’s inappropriate for me to guess at what could be happening here on a psychological level. It could be nothing. But the information you’ve been given suggests that further investigation is needed. You won’t be able to resolve what she believes is coming between the two of you until you find out what’s behind her behavior. It’s also important to make sure that she’s safe and not a danger to herself and others. I don’t want to alarm you. Simply put, asking more questions about what’s going on in her life may get you further than trying to discern what she wants you to apologize for. Once you get clarity on the former, you’ll be better equipped to have a conversation about the latter, if such a conversation is warranted. It may be that there’s nothing to apologize for at all.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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