Because my column is the greatest thing since sliced bread, which still is not as great as cold beer, I have as my special guest today Dr. Sigmund Fritz, bestselling author of the classic, iconic and highly questionable book “On the Fritz: How to Spot a Narcissist by the Greatest Psychoanalyst of All Time (and Don’t You Forget It).”

JZ: Welcome, Dr. Fritz.

SF: Thank you, Mr. Zezima. It is your honor and privilege to have me.

JZ: Your book, which has been praised by leading physicians as a cure for insomnia, focuses on narcissists. How do you spot one?

SF: Hit him with paintballs.

JZ: Huh?

SF: Just a little psycho humor there.

JZ: Very little.

SF: Seriously, a narcissist thinks he is better than everyone else.

JZ: Is he?

SF: No. Unless, of course, he’s me.

JZ: That goes without saying.

SF: Then don’t say it.

JZ: Can only men be narcissists?

SF: Certainly not. Women can be just as insufferable, although their hair is usually longer.

JZ: Are narcissists commonly found in positions of power?

SF: They often are, if you care to find them at all, but they also can be ordinary people with delusions of superiority. The list includes co-workers, neighbors, even family members.

JZ: It seems like narcissists are everywhere.

SF: Yes, thank goodness, or I’d be out of a job.

JZ: Why do narcissists think they’re so great?

SF: Because they are insecure. They put others down to build themselves up. Let’s say that another writer criticizes your column as being a blight on American journalism.

JZ: Is it?

SF: I wouldn’t go that far, but I’m sure it is appreciated by dog owners trying to housebreak their puppies.

JZ: More psycho humor?

SF: Sorry, I couldn’t help it. But back to the critic. He will put down your column to make his writing look better and more important, even if it is just as bad as yours.

JZ: That’s reassuring.

SF: And narcissists think they know more than anyone else.

JZ: You mean like all those annoying people who act like doctors, except they don’t have medical degrees, and tell you what’s good for you and what’s bad for you, even if they only see it online and end up being completely wrong?

SF: Right. Some of them think that just because they were psychology majors in college, they’re better than I am. Of course, no one is. That’s how delusional these people are.

JZ: How about people who like to give orders even if they’re not actually in charge of anything?

SF: There’s a specific and widely accepted psychological term for that kind of person.

JZ: What is it?

SF: Control freak.

JZ: How about people who really are in charge of things?

SF: You mean like captains of industry?

JZ: Yes. Or heads of state and other public officials.

SF: They bully others to feed their inflated but fragile egos.

JZ: What’s good ego food?

SF: Butter.

JZ: Why butter?

SF: So they can be buttered up. Get it?

JZ: I bet you drive your patients crazy.

SF: I do my best.

JZ: One last thing, Dr. Fritz, because I know you have to teach a class in Narcissism 101. What’s the best way to deal with narcissists?

SF: Ignore them. Worse than being rejected is being ignored. Say something profound, like: “I’d love to listen to more of your bloviating, but it’s time to clip my toenails.” Then walk away. It burns them up every time.

JZ: Thank you so much for your valuable time today, Dr. Fritz. You are, indeed, the greatest psychoanalyst of all time and the world’s foremost expert in narcissism.

SF: You’re very welcome, Mr. Zezima. I must modestly admit that I agree with everything you just said.

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