Former Colleague Questions Giving Reference
DEAR HARRIETTE: A former colleague recently asked me to serve as a reference as they apply for new jobs, and IÕm feeling conflicted. We worked together for a couple of years, and while they were friendly, I often found their work to be inconsistent. There were missed deadlines, a lack of follow-through and moments where they didnÕt handle professional situations with the level of accountability I value.
Now this former colleague has reached out, and I donÕt feel comfortable putting my name behind their work or endorsing them professionally. At the same time, I donÕt want to come across as unsupportive or create tension by saying no. IÕm torn between wanting to be kind and wanting to be honest. Is it better to politely decline, or is there a way to give a neutral reference without compromising my integrity? How do I handle this situation professionally while still being fair? -- Reluctant Reference
DEAR RELUCTANT REFERENCE: Talk to your former colleague and ask what the job is and what they want you to say about them. React to those answers. Acknowledge that you like them and want them to do well, but your experience of them was inconsistent. Admit that you may not be the best reference for them because you canÕt, in good conscience, give them a glowing review. If they are shocked, you can remind them of a few situations where their behavior was less than stellar. Add that you really do not want to hurt them in any way, but you also have to be honest. Suggest that they ask someone else.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend of eight years recently proposed to me in front of a full restaurant. I said yes because I am committed to my relationship, and IÕm looking forward to building a future with him; however, things feel like they are moving quicker than I realized. Our families get along well, considering we do our best to keep our problems private, but there are still issues. My fiance struggles with communication and tends to pretend nothing bothers him. IÕm usually able to read his energy, but that is a behavior I am not trying to carry into this chapter of our relationship. His lack of emotional transparency can lead to me being overly pushy and feeling distant. I try to be comforting and open to his emotions so that he can feel comfortable. Do you think couples counseling would help, or is this a part of our relationship dynamic? -- Emotionally Distant
DEAR EMOTIONALLY DISTANT: I strongly recommend premarital counseling. Now that you have accepted his proposal, it is time for you to sit down together and talk about your future, your values, your hopes and your dreams. The more honest you are in these sessions -- either with a spiritual adviser or a therapist -- the more likely you will be able to address tough issues, including how you communicate. Get him to open up in these meetings. Be forthcoming about what you want and need in your relationship.
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(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Copyright 2026, Harriette Cole
COPYRIGHT 2026 Andrews McMeel Syndication. This feature may not be reproduced or distributed electronically, in print or otherwise without the written permission of Andrews McMeel Syndication.
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